Wednesday, September 16, 2009

BEST email I've gotten in YEARS...

-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves
me.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-That's enough, Nickelback.

-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know"
feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose
not to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first
saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting
90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the
only one who really, really gets it.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to
finish a text.

- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart",
all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a ---- from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and
said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

- I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu'
to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an
overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories

-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if
I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring
would probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be
a problem....

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't
want to have to restart my collection.

-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will
they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't
watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and
leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone
and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles...

- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I’d bet my --- everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
every time...

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and
the link takes me to a video instead of text.

-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.

-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard
before dinner.

Monday, September 14, 2009

favorite new website...

Warning, this website can suck away hours of your life without you even realizing it. Another warning, some of the captions can be a little PG-13 rated but other than that, I've found my favorite new time waster! http://www.jakeoftheweb.com/

Saturday, September 12, 2009

4 for 4...

As I said in my previous post, Halle is a MAJOR bonk face. I just took a picture of her latest bonk. WARNING in one of the pictures she looks dead. She's not she just didn't like the flash. The bonk on her forehead is from 3 days ago, the cut on her eye is from 2 days ago, the black eye is from yesterday and the bonk just under her eye is from tonight.

I SWEAR I don't beat my child although I'm a little worried that if CPS saw her right now they might wonder.

Ok and now that I'm looking at the pictures, these make her look worse than she actually does but SERIOUSLY, can we just go a DAY without having a major bonk? My poor baby :(

mom I want to marry...

Today we were in the car and Annie goes "mom you know which man I love the most? Well, it's daddy but you know what man I love the most thats on a ride? Indiana Jones. I think I want to marry him." Oh by the way, she's never seen Indiana Jones before...where does she get this stuff?

Thursday, September 10, 2009

and this bonk makes #973...

I'm going to TRY and compile an injury list for Halle in her short 16 months of life. I can only remember the "major" injuries, the small ones occur too often for me to try and remember those.

-fell off the bed in our bedroom
-sliced her finger on the heat vent
-fell off the bed at my aunts house
-fell down the stairs
-fell off the bed
-fell into the corner of the hutch and bonked her gums off
-fell down the stairs
-bonked her teeth out on the driveway while I was holding her hand
-fell into the buffet and bonked her face off in Jackson Hole
-got the biggest goose egg I've ever seen by falling into the corner of a piano
-slided her eyebrow in half when she fell onto the pot lid she was carrying around

The saddest part of this whole list is that she is actually a very well supervised child...can you imagine if she weren't? Poor Halle bonks her head at LEAST 2 or 3 times a day I always just pray that there isn't going to be any permanent damage - so far, so good (knock on wood). I really love that little bonky face though!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

my feet felt like 40 pound weights...


but I finished. I know it was only a 10k and people who run do twice that distance on a daily basis but for me, it was a big deal. I LOATHE running, I hate it. I would rather chop off my knee caps so "training" for 6.2 miles was quite an accomplishment. Funny thing is, now I actually enjoy a 2 or 3 mile run.

This last weekend my friend Kathryn and I ran the Swiss Days 10k. I felt pretty good until about mile 5 1/2 when my feet suddenly felt like they weighed 40 pounds each and I wanted to melt into a puddle on the floor.


My very most favorite part was looking toward the finish line and seeing Annie jumping up and down waiting for me to cross. When I finished she ran up to me and said "mom I was so proud of you, I had tears on my face". Who wouldn't be proud of themselves after that???


Oh and I would just like to say that the water on my shirt is rain NOT sweat and that this picture was taken AFTER the race. Why I'm showing everyone the orange in my cup...I still don't know.