Laws of Sacrament Meeting...
1. If your kid’s toy falls at my feet more than twice, it will stay there.
2. Typos in the program will be circled.
3. If you have to squeeze past me to an available seat, your crotch points AWAY from my face. I realize that the alternative isn’t lovely either, but at least that way we won’t accidentally make eye contact. This applies to movie theaters, as well.
4. Any expectations you have of me shouting “Alooooo-ha!” at you the Fast and Testimony meeting following your Hawaiian vacation will not be met. Additionally, I will not close my eyes if you ask me to, and no, I will not stand up and turn in place on your command.
5. I will roll my eyes at any returned missionaries that pretend like they’ve forgotten how to speak basic English. And for the record – when you’re back in the States, please pronounce your mission so we can all understand. Here in the US, “Chile” is pronounced “Chill-E”, not “Chee-lay”. I met a girl once that told me she served her mission in “oo-roo-guywyayyYYYY” and I asked her to repeat it TWO MORE TIMES before figuring out she was saying “Uruguay”.
6. Sorry, but if you stand up in front of everyone and mispronounce the hymn name, I’ll probably be the most entertained out of the whole congregation. Case in point – my old bishop stood up the week before Christmas to introduce the intermediate hymn, “With Wandering Eye”. And even better, the 2nd Counselor in our ward in Rexburg announced that next, we’d be singing “Upon the Cross of Calgary”. I snickered, then laughed, and then it turned into one of those irreverent laughs where all you can do it hunch over and hope the speaker doesn’t notice you shaking and wiping your eyes.
7. Musical numbers are limited to HYMNS out of the hymnbook ONLY. I realize this eliminates lots of other good music, but this is the only surefire way to prevent me from ever having to endure another wavery-voiced teenage girl tackling “His Hands” during Sacrament meeting.